JONTILLMAN.COM | part of the problem since 1976

With the coming presidential elections on everyones mind in the US, I thought I would take a look at the political landscape and see what each of the parties (large and small alike) were actually about. The result of that investigation was a dazzling array of platform statements and programs, all wrapped up in hyperbolic prose. In the interest of simplicity, I have gone to the trouble of reducing each parties positions into a succinct, one-line explanation in order to help you better choose the party that best matches your existing prejudices:

1. Democratic: “We work for you; the common, average millionaire.”
2. Republican: “We work for you; the common, average billionaire.”
3. Centrist: “If we work together, we can help the average millionaire AND the average billionaire.”
4. Green: “Let’s actually do what the Democrats talk about.”
5. Constitution: “Let’s actually do what the Republicans talk about.”
6. American Heritage: “Let’s give the government to the Church.”
7. Libertarian: “Let’s sell the government to Wal-Mart!”
8. Communist: “We’ve sold the government to Wal-Mart!”
9. Populist: “Let’s scrap the Constitution and start over with just the Bill of Rights.”
10. America First: “Close the border, close the schools, go to church!”
11. American Patriot: “The South will rise again…in Oregon!”
12. Christian Falangist: “Iran doesn’t have homosexuals, why should we?”
13. Independent American: ZOMG! Rockefellers, Black Helipcopt0rz, Elderz of zi0n!”