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Edition #32. Last week I wrote about things that I had discovered that the British (at least in London and Essex) had misunderstood about America.

This week, in the spirit of fairness, I turn the tables and look at thirteen of my own misconceptions about Britain and the Britons. Now that I have been disabused of these notions, I realize that England is a fascinating place in it’s own right, but very different from how I imagined it.

So here you have thirteen misconceptions that I arrived in the UK with, and the reality I have discovered over the last half year:

1. Peace & Quiet: I thought that the famous British reserve would translate into a sort of calm, quiet country, full of nice people minding their own (nice) business. No such luck. The bits (Brits?) I have seen in so far are just as rude, loud and overweening as any in the States. The only difference is that in the UK, all the noise and confusion is accomplished without ever looking anyone in the eye.
2. Multiculturalism: As an American there is a special type of shame we carry for our recent openly racist past and the lingering inequalities in our society. I expected the UK to be something of a model for racial/cultural integration and harmony, especially given how much the British press seems to go on about being the first to abolish the slave trade and how many languages are spoken in London. What I wasn’t prepared for was that in all of those 300 or so languages, the most oft-uttered phrase in London is “Fuck off back home, then!” Need I mention the BNP as well?
3. European: I didn’t realize it until I had been here a bit, but I sort of expected the UK to be quite a bit like her Continental neighbors. Perhaps it is the incomplete understanding that we Americans have about what the EU actually is, perhaps it was spending time in small-town Germany as my only real exposure to “Europe”. Whatever it was, it turns out that the UK is not quite Continental, not-quite American, but walking some sort of tightrope between the two; intrigued by the unbridled greed entrepreneurial spirit of the US and at the same time slightly jealous of the slower pace and tenor of French country life.
4. Anti-Americanism: Going along with number three, I expected quite a bit of overt anti-American sentiment, and all I have encountered is bemusement and disbelief at the idea that someone would voluntarily move out of the States and into the UK, and London at that! Of course, there could be tons of anti-Americanism thrown my way by cultured Brits that I, as an American, am too daft to notice, British disapproval consisting mostly of thinking nasty thoughts about someone while not looking at them or changing one’s facial expression.
5. Snappily Dressed: Ahh, the land of Savile Row and the headquarters of Vogue. What sartorial delights awaited me in the London of my mind. No one told me that Savile Row existed because every male in the UK has been wearing a suit and tie since they were five years old and is now incapable of making any clothing decision more complex than “does my belt match my shoes”. No one told me about Ugg boots. No one told me about 3/4 length leggings being worn with everything except for 3/4 length jeans, which are worn with giant faux-leather Dick Whittington boots. No one told me. I feel so betrayed.
6. Less Car Obsessed: If my first (and so far only) trip on the M25 didn’t disabuse me of that notion, then the high likelihood of being mowed down by a thundering SUV while attempting to cross the street in Chelsea certainly did.
7. Neat & Tidy: Americans widely consider our large cities (New York in particular) to be dirty, fouled places. I expected the UK to be spic and span, owing to a more developed sense of environmental care and public pride. Instead, I found myself in the first place I had ever been in which it is perfectly acceptable to throw your trash on the ground in the assumption that someone of lower station will be along to dispose of it up for you. The tsunami of free dailies rolling down Fenchurch St. threatens life and limb, and the piles of litter built up alongside rail lines could probably generate enough Hydrogen to power all the Tube trains for a year.
8. Healthier: Given the rousing success of Supersize Me on this side of the pond, I expected Britons to be less easily seduced by the lure of fast-food culture. Imagine my confusion when I discovered how much easier it was to find a McDonald’s in London than in New York, and that all of them were jammed full all the time. Given the love affair with deep-fried ANYTHING in the UK, this was probably one of the silliest of my misconceptions.
9. Well-Read: Perhaps due to the American school curriculum being heavy on English literature, I had a warped sense of the state of English Letters in the UK. I expected to find vast plethoras of bookstores, some with enormous selections covering every topic, and a phalanx of smaller, independent sellers of specialty books. What I found was, mostly, two or three giant chains that all stock not much other than trashy paperbacks, cookery books, children’s “literature” and travel guides. Even the smallish seaside resort I lived in before moving here had as much book variety as most of London does.
10. More Social: Perhaps in contradiction to number one, I expected to find that in certain venues, pubs especially, a more social side to the Brits. With some lovely exceptions (such as the Gipsy Moth and the Flowers of the Forest) the pubs in London and Essex seem to be reserved solely for either meeting up with people you already know from work to watch football or ignoring the other patrons to watch football. You do talk to people you don’t know from work or school, don’t you? Hello?
11. Rough & Tumble: Spurred on by the British portrayals of themselves as a hardy, manly race of people in cinema, I expected to find a gruff, no-nonsense, self-possessed people. And while I have met a few “well ‘ard bastards” in East London, I am, for the most part, very confused by the fact that there seems to be some sort of a “crime wave” in the UK consisting mainly of “muggings” which are not much more than three under-16s asking, as brusquely as someone who is still in puberty can, for your money, without benefit of knife or gun. Where I come from these are not mugger or criminals, these are uppity teenagers and you punch them in the nose. (Note to British Readers: I am not making light of the recent spate of stabbings and shootings in London, just pointing out that much of what is considered ’street crime’ in the UK is not very violent by American standards.)
12. Overtaxed: One of the articles of faith in the US is that, while we Americans pay too many taxes, at least we don’t pay as much as the Europeans do, with all their social programs to support. With that in mind, I was not very happy about what our tax situation in the UK would be. The reality turns to be quite a bit rosier than I had thought. My tax bill, all in, in the UK is almost identical to that I had in the States, as a percentage of income. The only real difference is that in the UK, I can afford health care…
13. Everyone Lives In Castles: Eddie Izzard said so! They’re supposed to be littering the place. I want my castle too…