Thirteen Things I Have Learned About America From The British

You never know, as an American, just how amazing your country is until you listen to Britons describe it, or answer their questions about it.

I have learned quite a lot of interesting facts about my home country in the first six months I have lived in and around London. I was shocked, actually, at home much I didn’t know, or was mistaken about knowing, about my own country. Embarrassing really.

But, the ever-helpful British are always there to help get you back on the right track when you find yourself mistaken about things. They are always so eager to help you learn by correcting your mistakes. So I give you Thirteen Things I Have Learned About America From The British:

[note: this post violates New York City law and should not be read within that city.]

  1. All Americans Are Overweight: Says Europe’s fattest women.
  2. Fast Food Portions Are Bigger In The States, and Fast Food Is The Only Thing We Eat There: In a strange mix of Supersize Me-driven disgust and ‘no empire no more’ put-upon jealousy, no one here is willing to believe that McDonald’s isn’t holding out on them by not shipping the truly enormous American-sized fry/chip containers across the Atlantic.
  3. There Is A Thatcherite Fifth Column Ready To Take Over New Hampshire By Force If Necessary: I think this is in relation to the “Free State” project where a bunch of libertarians pretended they would get off their asses and move to New Hampshire if all the other libertarians did the same. In either case, the sheer nuttiness of their supporters across the pond makes it all worth while…
  4. At Least The United States Isn’t Full Of Niggers: Yep, that is a direct quote from a completely average Essex boy, bemoaning his bad luck at living in a country that has more than one race in it, though unless you are in E1 – E8, you wouldn’t know it…this is the whitest place I have ever lived.
  5. British Literature Is Far Superior To Anything Produced In America, Ever: And by ‘British Literature’ they mean J. K. Rowling’s children’s books and the stilted, formulaic plays of Alan Bennett.
  6. Americans Have No Taste In Beer: Fortunately, I am in London, where every serious beer bar serves Anchor Steam, Brooklyn Lager, Dogfish Head and Rogue Ales. I would never have discovered such fine drinkables had I remained in the beer wasteland that is America
  7. American Health Care Is Far Superior To Anything In Europe: At 20% of GDP and routine operations that bankrupt people you’d think so, but…
  8. Americans Butcher “The Queen’s English”: For instance, did you know that there is no hard ‘A’ sound in the English language. Well, there certainly isn’t in the UK. Nor is the ‘TH’ sound pronounced as you do. It is more of a ‘VV’ sound, as in “I can’t be bovvered to learn to enunciate.”
  9. Americans All Go To Church Six Times A Week: Honestly, I have never had so many discussions about religion in the States as I have here.
  10. Americans Are All Loud, Bombastic Blowhards: Well, I have to give them that at the very least, the vast of American tourists in London are…
  11. Life Is Easy In The US: We all drive sports cars and live in huge houses. See the next entry…
  12. All Americans Are Rich: You’d think that after the Hurricane Katrina debacle this idea would have wilted, but it has not.
  13. Americans Are All Patriotic: Well, yes, I think we are, but patriotism takes many forms, and means a wide variety of things to different people. Dissent in the US is seen as patriotic, which seems to stymy Brits.

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Published:
3.22.07 / 11am
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