JONTILLMAN.COM | part of the problem since 1976

In this process of learning to live more deliberately and honestly, one of the questions I have been attempting to answer for myself is why I do the things that I do. What is the motivation for, and the emotion behind, the things that I choose to do and the things I choose to avoid?

Looking at my past, both distant and recent, I found that guilt was generally my motivation for doing things. I would put something on my TODO list, and then if I didn’t check it off, I would feel guilty about it. This tendency got so bad that I basically spent my entire day worrying about, and feeling guilty for not accomplishing whatever I wasn’t doing at the moment. If I was at work, my mind was full of things I hadn’t gotten done at home, and when I went home, my mind was full of things that I didn’t get done at work because I was worrying about all the things at home that I hadn’t done.

So, recently, I have been trying to not guilt myself into doing anything, but to instead follow whatever my interest is at the moment, and I really do mean moment.

Take this blog, for instance. Most all of my entries here are topical instead of timely, which provides me with the opportunity to work in creative spurts, in fits and starts, and through the magic of Movable Type’s “scheduled post” feature, to make sure that there is fresh content published every day. If I were going to be my usual (former?) rigid self, I would set out a daily time and place for generating new entries, and use that self-imposed deadline to guilt myself into producing content.

Having done this, this blog would become a job, a horrible thing I had to do, instead of a fun thing I like to do. I would miss entries as a means of rebelling against the deadline (against myself!?) and then feel guilty for not posting, which would strengthen the resentment, and down the spiral I would go, into abandoned blog oblivion.

There have been a few interesting things that I have discovered by doing this. The first is that my “time management” needs have become nearly non-existant. I have a wall calendar to remind me of appointments and due dates, and uh, well, that’s it. No day-runner, no Franklin covey, no Microsoft Project, just doing what I have enthusiasm for right now.

The second discovery, flowing from the first, is that I am actually getting more done. Sure, there are days where my interests pull me in the direction of playing video games and goofing off all day, but then again, being able to do that is why I structured my life this way in the first place. However, those days are a lot less than you would expect. Since I have began allowing my self to be pulled by my interests instead of pushed by my guilt, I have finished several of those open-loop projects that have been rolling around in the back of my mind for years, in some cases.

So, for me at least, being pulled along by my interests instead of shoving myself down the road with my guilt has been excellent, not just for my mental health and social life, but for my productivity.