JONTILLMAN.COM | part of the problem since 1976

I know it’s an old joke, but for some of us, it rings so true…

NEW COMPANY POLICY STATEMENT:

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days
Each employee will receive 52 personal days a year. They are called Sunday.

Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the department’s bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders category”. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the department’s mental health policy.

Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Death Clause
Any worker found dead at their desk will be promptly fired. All deaths will need to be applied for in advance and will only be approved if your can show that your death will not affect productivity. Thank you for your loyalty to the department. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustration’s, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.