JONTILLMAN.COM | part of the problem since 1976

At Work

1. Refer to “we” when you mean “me”.
2. Brag constantly about how many hours you work, or how late you were at the office last night.
3. Only refer to people by their names when you are upset with them, as if you were a nanny.
4. With employee A, talk about your misgivings about employees B, C and D. Repeat with every other employee.
5. When one of your underlings does something incorrectly, refuse to show him or her how to do it to your liking. Brush them aside with a world-weary “It will be quicker if I just do it myself” to let them know just how stupid and beneath you they are.

Socially

1. Constantly denigrate the hobbies, interests, speech patterns and habits of everyone around you because you lack the general acumen to define yourself in any way but in opposition to others.
2. Inject yourself into every conversation about television you come across so you can explain to everyone (again) how you do not have cable/television. Be smug in your intellectual superiority.
3. Pick some pseudo-fringe but non-threatening political party or cause and make sure EVERYONE hears all about it.
4. Win friends and influence people by constantly proving your linguistic superiority. Grammer, punctuation, word choice, etc are all fine targets for this powerful technique. Bonus points if you do it in a foreign language!
5. Refuse to simply enjoy anything. Remember, every experience you have is a chance to flex your critical skill, and nothing has ever been written, filmed, cooked or painted that could not have been done more to your liking.
6. When discussing ANY topic, be sure to turn it into an argument. Make sure you word your attacks and counterattacks so that you leave no opening for your adversary to capitulate to your view except in disgrace. Try to make certain that every avenue of response is a path of shame. Phrases like “only a idiot or a scumbag would argue that …” are very helpful.
7. Regardless of the issue——make sure you bring up your views on abortion, capital punishment, Christianity, and the political party you least like, regularly. Make sure your use the terms “wrong”, “evil”, “sinful” and “false” in describing views that differ from your particular beliefs. Try to work in the terms “blinded” or “deluded”.

Personally

1. Concentrate all of your energy on one tiny aspect of yourself, such as your lawn or clothes, while letting the rest of your life go to shit.
2. If you make an error, never apologize. Blame it on a technical difficulty or on someone’s mischaracterization of your intent.