Monthly Archives: October 2005
How To Be An Obnoxious Twit
At Work Refer to “we” when you mean “me”. Brag constantly about how many hours you work, or how late you were at the office last night. Only refer to people by their names when you are upset with them, as if you were a nanny. With employee A, talk about your misgivings about employees B, C and D. Repeat with every other employee. When one of your underlings does something incorrectly, refuse to show him or her how to do it to your liking. Brush them aside with a world-weary “It will be quicker if I just do it myself” to let them know just how stupid and beneath you they are. Socially Constantly denigrate the hobbies, interests, speech patterns and habits of everyone around you because you lack the general acumen to define yourself in any way but in opposition to others. Inject yourself into every conversation about television you come across so you can explain to everyone (again) how you do not have cable/television. Be smug in your intellectual… Read more
To Everyone Who Thinks I Hate Them…
It has come to my attention that there is a contingent of people in the world who are living under the false idea that I hate them. On the off chance that any of them read my little blog, I have prepared the following: If I hated you, you would know it. I would have said something along the lines of “I hate you” or “Don’t ever bother me again fucktard”, or I would have punched you in the mouth or ran you off the road or burned down your house or slept with your wife/daughter/girlfriend/mother/whoever and sent you video clips of it. If I haven’t done any of these things to you, the chances are that I don’t dislike you. Not disliking you should not, however, be misconstrued as liking you. Unless I am currently sleeping with you, have promised to spare you from my orbiting death ray, or regularly pick up your bar tab, chances are that I do not like you per se. You see, there is not a binary system of Like and Dislike. The system is actually trinary: Like, Dislike and… Read more